Being Comfortable

On being comfortable (there might be something wrong with me)

Recently a thought crossed my mind how a lot of my choices in fashion, looks and health in the recent years go towards making myself feel comfortable in as many ways possible. I'm kind of proud of it working that way, and I feel like I improved my quality of life, and eliminated some weird anxieties I used to have. It sounds stupid, but up until that point I would do my hardest to enjoy things that visually interest me (or that I'm socially pressured into) but instead I end up putting up with discomforts for the sake of ? something. I'd like to go through a few categories of basic things that I optimized to my liking lmao. I also realize the more I write about this the more it makes me seem spergy as hell, jesus.

• Makeup

In middle school I was quickly outpaced by all of my classmates and friends that began using makeup, most of them opting out for mascara, foundation, eyebrow pencils and eyeliner. I settled for just using mascara on nights out after multiple unsuccessful attempts of trying out eyeliner on my hooded eyes, but my lack of makeup wearing prompted questions from people here or there. In high school a friend offered to do a full beat of peak 2014 makeup for a night out. I obliged. I felt like a clown, but most importantly, I couldn't stand the feeling of foundation, blush and bronzer on my skin. With some time and experimentation though, I know I'm more or less fine with eyeshadow and lip products, but I hardly use them too nowadays.

• Perfume

My whole life, I tried to make myself like perfume! I mean, anyone likes perfume regardless of sex, it's just a thing people do. We enjoy smells, and having a great understanding of scents in my eyes always pointed to a certain sophistication and a higher plane of existence that I could never reach... Despite this, any time I would be gifted a perfume that I liked upon first smelling it, I noticed I'd quickly get tired and almost sick from it. I would always feel a certain scratch and discomfort in my throat, almost an aftertaste. After working in a drugstore and having to deal with selling perfume and working near lots of cleaning products I realized I just physically can't stand smells that are alcohol based. I was suggested oil perfumes, but somehow whenever I find myself in a store I forget that that's an option. Money accidentally saved. I do like the smell of incense though, you will find my home stinking of white sage sometimes. Do you want a weird contradiction though? Alcohol based smells make me nauseous but I love the smell of gasoline lmao. I think that's related to my dad working at a gas station and an oil refinery though, I grew up with the apartment smelling like his uniform because it's so potent.

• Accessories

This is a wild one, and it doesn't include all accessories, like some types of rings or my vertical labret. I don't like feeling like there's items on me that can easily snag onto things. On my wrists I'll usually have a single black hair tie and my smart watch. On my fingers I have 4 rings usually, all of them with minimal vertical projection because it pisses me the hell off!! My ears have been pierced when I was a kid so the holes are there and are functioning, but I don't like wearing earrings much. I tried to force myself to use them more often in middle school/high school, even pierced a second hole in one of my ears but I quickly stopped due to just not enjoying the pressure in ears. Also I feel like earrings snag on things way too much. I can't even feel my vertical labret and it bothers me exactly never. As for necklaces, I do own a certain number and I'll put them on occasionally, but I don't like anything that makes me feel obstructed. Is it heavy? Long? Clangy? Cold? Can't deal with it. Sadly this also means I could never really fully realize fashion styles that I'd be into, because too much shit just makes me uncomfortable outside. I substituted this issue with tattoos though, I think they're an amazing (but permanent, so definitely not for everyone...) alternative for some kind of artistic self expression and way of accessorizing your body in a way that doesn't bring discomfort, outside of the first week or two of healing the tattoo.

• Shoes

I have spent years seething and coping about this, and I'll probably continue seething and coping about this for a long time, but my feet are stupidly sensitive. Specifically the back of my right foot is shaped in such a way that a lot of fancier shoes that aren't well padded (which is most shoes, really) just don't work with my foot. I've tried sizing up, I even recently learned my feet aren't actually EU size 40, but more like 41-42... But nothing helps this issue. Any type of nicer shoe is unwearable without a silicone sock and a padded insert in the back. Even if I break in leather, this bony part will sometimes get inflamed for no reason and then nothing can save me. Aside from this issue though, I find it hard to enjoy most shoes that I can't comfortably do a run in. When I started university and wanted to look a bit edgier I used to buy all kinds of meh quality shoes I struggled to walk in comfortably and frankly, I was miserable. Since then I've been a lot pickier with my shoes, and I even have some fugly barefoot sandal monstrosities because they're... they're... comfortable!!!!!!

• Nails

I can't do long nails anymore. I had phases with long natural nails, and they looked really good because my fingers are long and slender but... there's no long story behind this I just don't like it lmao. It's too restrictive. Can't even imagine having fake nails.

• Hats

I hate hats. I always hated hats. You have to keep fixing them. My forehead is constantly itchy and wet. I can't. I can't. Since it's pretty hot where I live now I do have to wear hats so I usually opt for unstructured baseball hats or bucket hats.... But even in winter my head gets incredibly hot incredibly fast in a hat. I found a great alternative to that though. Ear muffs!!!

• Clothes

Clothes are probably my biggest issue still. Here or there I'll buy something that won't truly make me feel comfortable. Some things I can't live with are fully polyester shirts, or texture wise, wearing two shirts and the one under being shorter - impossible. If it's below 20 degrees, I can't wear anything that exposes my back (my kidneys will get a cold!! as any balkan woman would say). I love linen, I love cotton, simple as. Colors wise I think I've settled in the recent years and have found out more or less what looks good on me. I know pastels look pretty bad on me. I don't wear bras at all anymore, unless for an extremely formal occasion for which I chose a really thin top/dress. I don't really want to be out - nipples protruding - at a funeral or something.