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I'm officially a temporary resident now... It took some blood sweat and tears to gather all the necessary documents, but the final meeting at the immigration office was incredibly... chill? It went as smooth as can be, our case worker is so kind, nice and patient I felt I walked into bizarro world. The one we got last time was weird, she refused to answer questions and elaborate on anything, when she did answer it would be an I don't know... this lady was the complete opposite, and on top of it all she was funny and pleasant. What a wild experience this was!! From now on I just have to renew my visa, but I'm officially a member of society (tm), more or less.
In my last entry I mentioned I was being hounded by an energy vampire, so time to vent. I don't think I mentioned it here, but during my second course I met a lady from a country close to where I'm from. She worked here as a diplomat, until she met her (now) husband. She's in her 40's, and has a degree in international law. She's very well traveled, her work as a diplomat has been impressive to listen about and she knows the ins and outs of the tricky immigration processes in multiple countries including this one, so she's been a massive help to me and everyone else that's been studying the language here. Me and her especially bonded because of our similar Eastern Euro backgrounds. Her opinions on politics etc are also incredibly eye opening and informative considering she knows so many things most people aren't privy to. Sooo, sounds great, right? Well... Considering I spent 4 months with her on an almost daily basis, I started to notice... things. She really likes to repeat herself, and not only to new people that she's just met. I probably heard her say the same weird story of how her husband hounded her for months when they had just met, to the point she had blocked him, changed her phone number only for him to start stalking her in real life too. Which she would of course tell as an anecdote lmao. On top of the constant daily repetition, every time she'd struggle with some concept in class we all had to listen to her for 10 minutes about how exactly she's struggling with this despite knowing 7 languages fluently. Despite her coming to this language school because she struggled with reading, now that she herself got over this hurdle any time someone doesn't read fast enough for her standards she'd cut them off, read the words in an annoyed tone or straight up read the whole thing. It got to the point that even the teachers started noticing, and any time she'd descend into one of her tirades they'd start telling her off even, quite embarrassing and hard to listen to lol... Outside of class she'd constantly interrupt people mid conversation to pivot it to herself somehow, or to somehow oneup someone. Since we kind of bonded in the first month and half, from there on I couldn't have a single conversation with someone else without her butting in. Anyway, I don't know how to deal with these types of people, I can't be rude to her since she never did anything particularly mean and as much as I hate to admit it, I need someone like her as a contact for help with all kinds of things because she's so knowledgeable, and often times cuts out all of the bullshit and pleasantries which is something most people wouldn't do. This side of her I very much respect. But every conversation with her inevitably turns into something draining, and even though she loves to help people she will always somehow turn it into a conversation about her victimhood or hardship and every time it's the same rehashed topic lmao. Anyway, along with me needing a break in general from classes, she's also one reason of why I'm taking a break. Apparently she's going to continue this month while I won't, which should hopefully put some much needed distance between us.
Lastly, I have a cursed reading setup now (and an image diary, yay!). I'm not the type of person to fall for cheap gadgets online, but when I saw this I have to admit... I kind of fell in love.... I don't have a proper reading nook in this apartment, and reading on the bed hurts my back. Now I can lay down and look like a zombie while my hand rests under the cover and I press on this small remote to turn pages on my ereader lmao. It works like a charm and I already read like 100 pages yesterday. I hope this helps me get back into reading big time.
2024 in review
First of all. HI!!!!!!! I haven't updated my site in a while, this is probably the biggest hiatus I took? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm exhausted. My language lessons will last for two more weeks and I'll be officially done with second third of the intermediate level. After that I'll still have one course left of intermediate before I can move on to advanced, but I need to take a break. I took 5 courses in a row and my brain is BURSTING at the seams. Essays, flash cards, homework, presentations. This course is so active, and so so so intensive. I think this language portion of my brain is also in charge of social interactions and my desire to read, watch and critique because as you can see, there's no updates of the stuff I'm watching and reading. BECAUSE I'M NOT!!!!! I still have some leftover anime from the last season... So many unfinished books. Ugh my head hurts just thinking about it, it really sucks. I'm also not talking to any of my online friends (I'm really sorry) but I just. I can't omg. In addition to all of this, I fear I'm being hounded by an energy vampire in my classes but I'll talk about that person at some other time. Seriously university didn't exhaust me nearly as much, this is just insane lol. Anyway, since I've been in lurk mode for the past 3 months really, I noticed a lot of people did a year in review for 2024. So about a month ago I also wrote mine, thinking I'd put it into a separate page but you know what... I think it'll fit just fine among my diary entries. I'm also planning on linking all of my old diary entries (they still exist, if you ever want to access them through the archive or something...) through an official site map but that's a soon (tm) thing. Anyway, let's go back into 2024...
The transitional year
I moved countries, this time more permanently. Neither me nor my husband plan on living here for too long (I'm talking 4+ years) but the money is good where we are so I went trbuhom za kruhom (ok I'll spare you the translation - chasing greener pastures). Money will be saved, and life will be easier. In fact we both got into investing safely and started being as smart as can be with our finances. With moving comes exhaustion. So much exhaustion. When you're an immigrant, you'll always be treated as an intruder, especially in anything bureaucracy related. I've been advancing steadily, and I'm not letting negative experiences with exhausted and angry clerks deter me, but it'll be a rough road ahead, at least until my next meeting in February 2025, when I'll receive a much, much longer visa. For the other half of this year I've been trying to get used to my "new" life, away from my family whom I'm very close to. It's not the first time I'm away for a while, but it is the longest... It's not easy, but we're in constant, daily contact and that helps a lot. Along with learning a new language, this is probably the biggest reason of why I've been so absent from my site this year. I lack energy, energy to socialize, energy to enjoy a lot of things I love. I regressed back into gaming a lot, but it brings me comfort in this time of chaos. Things have stabilized now more or less (I do need to get my drivers license sorted though...) so hopefully I'll get back to my usual schedule in 2025. I want to read!
The year of unfinished books
Speaking of books, judging by my book review page, I barely read anything! But actually, I read a fair amount. I read like 5-8 more books almost completely, and then gave up at the end. It just kept happening every month. I'd stop in the middle, or like 75% in. And then I wouldn't get back into it. Why? I have no idea. But it happened to so many books... And long books too! My page count is not all that bad this year. Just last week I noticed my ereader has a history feature (I barely explored the options lmao) so I think it'll motivate me into going back to some of these books because I can actually see my reading history. When things aren't physical, I struggle to visualize it and amidst so many unfinished books, I got lost. I have executive dysfunction up to the max when it comes to reading it seems.
The year I came to terms with the fact that I don't like perfume
So, I've never been a big fan of perfume, that much I know. Any type of smell that is alcohol based irritates my nose, and that became really apparent when I started working at a drugstore and I had to sell perfume to people. All of the smells would irritate my nose and throat so much, especially the detergent/fabric softener and perfume aisles. But this year I really came to terms with it. I don't have a single perfume in my home (besides the ones that are kind of forced on you). No fabric softener. My husband and I use the same deodorants and shampoos. The amount of alcohol based smells has been brought to a minimum. Sometimes I'll light incense or candles but that's about it... It's weird, I really enjoy intense smells, like tea stores, coffee shops, incense shops, hell - even gasoline, but an alcohol based perfume? No can do. I can handle a feint detergent smell but that's about it. Anything that's too present makes the back of my throat feel weird, or it makes my head hurt. Anyway, it's been a sad realization, mostly because I really want to smell good. I guess the feint smell of my lavender shampoo will have to do, sorry people.
The year I realized I was more like my dad than I initially thought so
It's true, you'll always inherit some parts of your parents personalities. I have the awkward nonchalance (is that an oxymoron?) of my mom, but I have my dads addictive personality and recently.. I noticed I dwell on the past a lot like him too. I never thought I'd be a person who reminisces a lot, but ugh, I do. Nostalgia is a sickness. I caught myself doing it often, where I'd think about people from my past with great intensity. It's weird because I'll often think back on certain moments that are ingrained into my memory and I'll wonder whether the people included in these moments also feel the same. It'll never get to the point of me actually reaching out, so it feels like I'm stuck in an infinite loop. Besides, I feel like if I reached out to someone and said "remember when we were 10 and we cried in each others arms on the river bank because we didn't want to get our periods?", it would be a little bit insane. Anyway, my dad always seemed like a person that does the same. He puts a lot of importance and emphasis on his youth and it always seems like he wants to go back, he's constantly looking at old photographs and he's never lacking in stories to tell. I'm not sure I'm really at that point, but I tend to ruminate on my childhood very often, specifically ages 8-14. I don't want to though, I don't want to feel stuck... but I feel like I understand my dad a bit better now...
The year I'm still feeling some consequences of my almost sepsis
I don't really like to yap about my health, but I got a UTI after getting unexpectedly stuck at an airport and a shitty airbnb for almost 3 days earlier year. The first time I ever had to medicate a UTI with antibiotics was in 2023, right after my surgery since my immune system was horrible... Before that I never really caught UTI's or if I did they'd pass in a day. Well anyway, this UTI came back like 3 times and it left me feeling pretty miserable and anxious. I really feared it would become chronic and I'd have to deal with it for the rest of my life (a bit of an exaggeration looking back). I already started reading that chronic UTI subreddit and dread fell over me for a good amount of time. Luckily though, since I last had it 2 months ago it hasn't come back. I started drinking d-mannose, I drink an almost liter of tea every morning (on top of all the water I drink anyway, I've always been well hydrated dammit), I wash my hands more than I ever did before and I'm trying to keep hygiene so pristine it's almost ridiculous but I still have some anxiety over it. I'm really, really scared of embedded UTI's because UTI pain is something I just can't deal with. I can handle literally anything, but the constant dull UTI pain makes me miserable because I can't focus on anything. I didn't cry when my appendix burst but I do cry in fear of my UTI coming back whenever I feel a slight tinge of it (I'm getting paranoid at this point, it's really affecting my mental health...). During flareups I'd remove my limit on tiktok and just stare at videos for the whole day in bed without doing much else. I couldn't sit, I couldn't read, I couldn't think. Awful... Hoping it doesn't come back.
The year of more tattoos
I got a couple more tattoos this year, one on my legs and two symmetrical ones on my arms. All three of them are good blackwork tattoos, the arm ones being decorative and kind of looking like permanent bracelets. I always wanted something on my lower arms like that because I hate jewelry, but I do like looking... decorated. I've been contemplating getting sicanje inspired tattoos but considering they were a thing mostly meant to symbolize your roots such as your family name, the place you're from, and your religion (catholicism lawl) - all combined into a unique design, I didn't feel like it would be right of me to get it. Plus they belong to a very specific time period when women wanted to permanently mark their roots to fend off muslim kidnappers and being sold into slavery, I decided against it. I did want the tattoo placement to evoke sicanje as a nod to this tradition. Eugh saying that sounds pretentious. I'll also use this paragraph to write a quick retrospective on my vertical labret that I got at the end of 2023. It's amazing!!! I love it so much!!!!!! It's the most hassle free piercing ever, it fits my face, it took no time to heal and it doesn't get in the way even though it totally looks like it should. I am a passionate opponent of suffering for any type of fashion and I'm glad I can comfortably say that this piercing represents my views and doesn't contradict them. Also they're really fun to play with.
The year I realized I completely fell out of the loop
In the words of a famous croatian philosopher, ispa sam iz đira sve šta vole mladi to se meni gadi -Vojko V ....So many things that are "in" to like right now, I hate. I'm struggling to fit into any single space I used to consider myself a part of. I hate your stupid fucking vtubers, no exceptions, it's cringe and pointless. Why are you looking at an overdesigned fugly avatar? Go do literally anything else. I hate streamers. Just play your fucking game and make friends in it instead. I hate baby ""radfems"" that spend hours keyboard warrioring and losing their shit over the most irrelevant things you can imagine, when they're not doing that they're condemning mothers and women in relationships day in and day out while slobbering over cringe flavor of the week PNG gacha, pathetically participating in materialistic soulless endeavors and collecting their ugu kawiwi lolita bought with mommy and daddys money and adding yet another previously hotglued loli animecore figure to their collection. Give me a fucking break. I hate how niche stuff gets revived online because a certain influencer talked about it and now suddenly everyone is into it. I hate how everyone and everything online is cosplaying something. I hate this genre of "analog horror" games that are made to look like ps1 games. I want to like them but it just feels like they're wearing a bad skinsuit. I hate that everything is an aesthetic. I hate going to shows and feeling like I just walked into the "they don't know my parents are rich" meme. I hate how alternative spaces became a game of trying to outwoke people and thinking yourself cultured because you care about a single middle eastern conflict and virtue signal about it day in and day out while getting high and studying for your fancy university but naturally if someone asked you about gypsies you'd have nothing nice to say. And to all of that, I have no energy to argue about it online. I think I exhausted last bits of it in early days of everskies when I dropped hot takes day in and day out while somehow avoiding getting banned lmao. It is a shame since I do love to argue...
The year of gaming
My husband and I are pretty big gaymers. Obviously, we met in one. Conveniently so, gaming is the most active and best way to hang out in an LDR. Besides just spending time together, you get to see how the other person's brain works, you get to cooperate together, meet each other better, see how you work during unserious moments of rage (and if you take it too seriously, which is a red flag obv). I don't think any other online activity can top that. This meant that gaming was one of our main activities we'd do, but after a certain amount of time we had arrived to a few roadblocks. First, both of us don't have the exact same taste in video games. I prefer action combat stuff, I'm very picky with how cameras work, if a game has character creation and the characters are beyond fugly I'll refuse to play it out of principle... My husband has a wider range of interest in games and he's not as rigid I am, but he has a different problem. The way we play games is pretty different. When I find a game I like, I'll stick to it until the end of my life (as evident with tera), ok even if I like it a bit less than Tera, I'll still want to play it for months on end if the game allows me to. However, my husband tends to suffer from commitment issues with games (only, thankfully). He gets bored about a couple months in tops and finding a "main game" for him is a real rarity. He lasted a couple of years in Tera, multiple years in Maplestory and SAMP, but that's about it. Despite all of this, we had obviously spent so much time playing games together, but it was a struggle to find things that we both liked enough to play for long periods of time. Smite, Elden Ring, SAMP, Rust, Valheim, ARK, Outward, Dragon Dogma Online, Portal, L4D, KF2.. These are all games we spent long amounts of time on, from the top of my head. We obviously had periods of time when each of us would play our own thing, but when either of us would get sucked into a game as both of us are prone to, the other would get lonely. Obviously, you get less hangout time in your only active hangout option in an LDR. So we had to compromise slightly. But now that we're finally together for realsies, our autism has been fully unleashed. I'm back to play Tera and spending tons of time on LM too, meanwhile my husband found an overly complex 8bit browser MMO with the most drama filled community ever and he's been playing the shit out of it. And neither of us feel lonely because well, gaming isn't our main source of hanging out anymore. We can do real life things together, and then get back to our gayming chairs and use games for our own personal rest as god intended.
That's... it?
I don't have much else to say about 2024. It was a busy year, yet I feel like I didn't do much with myself. Hoping this year will be less chaotic, but judging by its current trajectory, I don't think so hahah.