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Running, classes, Severance

I'm on my 6th run since writing the last entry. So far so good, my biggest focus right now is consistency, and it's nice to see improvement in each run no matter how slight. I think I prefer running in the evenings, because there's a lot more people running around this.. art complex, because it's perfect for laps. I never noticed it but there's so many people running here lol. I chose the perfect time to start as the weather is slowly heating up so I'll hopefully get a bit more used to it. Running in high heat/humidity isn't a new thing for me though. Back when I used to run we did it in a stadium that I swear had the worst possible geographical placement, it was very close to a river in a really swampy area, all I remember was extreme humidity and mosquitoes. Anyway, I think this will easily become a part of my routine, it doesn't take a large part of my day and it unironically leaves me feeling refreshed and energized. Hoping I'll stick to it for a long time.

I'm done with another course, and omg... That weird lady I complained about dropped out halfway in. It's a big waste of money, first of all, but I unfortunately think she got a bit embarrassed by not keeping up with everyone. I'm actually weirdly angry at this type of attitude, because she really wasn't THAT bad. Sure her vocabulary wasn't amazing, but I can guarantee you she'd improve so much by the end of the course. I don't know why I got so invested in her progress, maybe because we've been assignment buddies for 2 weeks but I really noticed her improving, and then for the last two days she struggled a bit with a few questions, she left HALFWAY THROUGH THE CLASS TWICE and then never came back. Real weird attitude. When the other girl in class messaged her to ask if she's okay and if she's continuing she made up a really obvious lie. I get it, it's cringe and she'll never see us again but damn. What a way to etch herself in our memories. On top of that another person ended up leaving and for the last week and half it was just the 3 of us. Due to such a small class I had to talk so much and I really improved, however I'd be lying if I said it wasn't awkward as fuck. I really need a bit of a crowd to be able to take a breather and translate a word I don't know or maybe have a moment to think a little. I often need to reread something to understand it, especially if it includes new words we learned 5 minutes ago, but I didn't get that chance many times and it ended up with me answering something completely unrelated and the teacher not picking up on it... basically mega cringe. A few times I did something shameful like taking a picture of the questions and using quick translate just to be able to catch up and I hated it, I never had to do that in previous lessons. Sometimes my brain reads a sentence and it just can't process it though, it's really frustrating and it's an issue that stands out when in a small group. I also struggle with not wanting to be a nuisance and slow the class down, especially when it's just the 3 of us. To circle back however, I spoke SO much and in the end all this suffering really did reward me, it's not like I took shortcuts non stop and I ended up a lot more confident in my speaking. This all really made me sweat in my seat a lot but it was great for my progress. I'm going to another course next week and after that we'll see. I officially cleared A2 now and I'm moving onto B1! There will be a much bigger focus on speaking and writing down our own ideas (which this course I did just now was an introduction into) and I'm excited and also scared. I'm still so, so slow in writing down anything meaningful and thinking of how to say it. We'll see how it goes...

I finished the second season of Severance a few days ago.

DEVASTATED

I am officially GRIEVING. And perhaps a bit elated? My favourite tera private server, M*nma Tera, has shut down. It's easy to find the name I'm just censoring it in hopes of google not scraping the term in these diary entries lmao. It came out of nowhere, but it would seem the owner got hit with a cease and desist. He seems to have had one foot out of the door for a while though, as trusted sources have confirmed to me that he's sick of anything tera related. His whole staff had been cooking up a new private server behind his back (or with his blessing - nothing has been confirmed yet) and now a new server based on this one will pop up soon. I won't play it if it doesn't have the new cosmetics that were exclusive to my fav server though. About 2-3 weeks ago the discord server of M*nma Tera mysteriously closed. Leading up to the closing, and the initial silence from the staff, there had been some drama so at first everyone thought that was the reason. However some leaked screenshots began circulating, the discord server shut down and yesterday finally the server itself. Very sad really, there was no fanfare, no word from anyone. Kind of depressing. I've been playing on this server for around four years, and at this point I began to see it as somewhat of a constant in my life. If I get an itch, I just hop on M*nma. I was the gm of an old 4ch guild, although in M*nma it pretty much became a private guild for people from our guilds discord server. Despite that we had a rotation of people playing and hopping on every now and then, and surprisingly we'd have like 10+ people on during certain periods, despite the general last being alive in like... 2018ish, or even before that. I even thought of recruiting for more players on /v/ at some points (namely last year) but imo me and the average channer are way too different now lmfao. The youngest I can handle are late 20s something zillenial channers, but even age aside I don't think I could handle the modern ouohhhh cunny vtuber enjoyer. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll resurrect the guild once the new server pops up. I'm sad for this to be the end of it though. This was too sudden. From December until March I played on Akeron Tera, and it was a godawful experience. Both regarding the semi normies/casuals that played Tera with me in some random guild, and both regarding the staff that just used the server as a cash grab and not much else. Such a shame, considering the patch that server was running on was one of my favourites. I really don't want this to be the end of my long lasting abusive relationship with Tera, but I'll make sure to use the time off for things considered more productive. I'm truly regretting not taking more screenshots. I guess this is how it's going to be now. Stuck in a limbo, playing on the most popular and fun private server until it inevitably gets shut down unexpectedly, never feeling like I've had quite enough... Fuck you BlueHole/Krafton, fuck you. Hope the company burns and crashes one day, the luck from PUBG was undeserved. Not touching INZOI because of what you did to Tera ;_;. Until next time!!!

Since I've been blessed with this Tera vacation (jk I haven't played for like a month already), I decided to get back into running. By "get back into" I of course am talking about the time in middle school when I used to be a part of my towns athletics club for 2 years. I liked running... ummmmmm... 15 years ago? Christ. Anyway, I bought myself some actual running shoes and I'm starting tomorrow. I think I've got a decent schedule in mind, I'll try to base it around my hair wash days hahah. I got really flabby all of a sudden and I don't like it. The weight still isn't really "visible" to anyone but me, but all of my pants are way too tight, to the point where they all get stuck in my asscrack, and my arms got thicker too. I'm blessed with a great body type I'm well aware because me at 63kg and me at 69kg are essentially the same (well I'm also tall...) but I'd really like to go down to 63kg again. Or put up some muscle, whatever as long as my arms aren't so flabby anymore. I got back to my 30 min nightly exercising but I just feel like it won't be effective enough. So maybe running is a good choice. I don't want to pay for a gym sub, and despite me liking yoga a lot 2-3 years ago I just don't feel like it this time. I'm in this phase where wearing anything except for large pants or yoga pants feels uncomfortable and I don't like feeling like this!! I was waaaaaaay too sedentary this winter, I stopped exercising and doing my long 7-10km walks. Sigh!!!!

What else, ah right... My hair. I don't know what to do with it. Still waiting for the bangs to grow out. Currently I'm rocking a KH2 long haired Riku. Refer to the image diary. Sadly I noticed the hair isn't even noticeable due to dithering but you get the vibe. If I don't move my bangs out of my forehead with hair pins, they're up in my eyes all the time despite my glasses. It's kind of nostalgic really, this type of shaggy hair was my go to before I fell in love with my short bangs.

Uhhh I believe that's about it, life wise. I've been meaning to cut down my internet usage, but not to an extremely insane degree. I have sites I still enjoy for the most part but it feels like outside of these few I've seen what I had to see. Like I'm sick and tired of visiting sites I used to when I was younger and just being extremely disappointed. I admit, FOMO keeps me in its grip, not intensely, but it's there. I think I'm finally reaching the point where it matters less. I need to stop defaulting to tiktok browsing when I get stressed and I'll use this opportunity to cut down on my usage even more, because recently my fyp just got totally fucked. In other news, I started watching Severance and I really like it so far. I fear the two seasons are so short though, I'll finish it too fast. After I'm done I'll write a bit about it here probably.

I was just about to upload this entry when I saw that 4chan got hacked. Reading the janny board and all the people coming forward with their janny conspiracies really took up too big of a part of my morning. Posters trying to psyop balding men on /fa/ to get on estrogen, tif admin that really likes doing timothee chalamet harry potter edits... What a day!!

Visiting family, Mickey 17, classes, Adolescence

How the hell did so much time pass since my last diary entry??? It literally flew by... Soon after getting temporary residence I visited my family for a bit and had a great time. Got to see my best friend a lot too, and another great friend from uni I haven't seen in over a year!! My parents had to move out of our home because the building is getting renovated (4 years after the earthquake...). It was my first time staying in this new place. It's quite close to where we live (about a kilometer and half away, just up on a hill), and compared to our building which had the initial purpose of being built for working class factory workers in the 60s, this building was built for doctors and lawyers that worked for the refinery in the 80s, and you can feel the difference... The apartment is about a third bigger, and despite the place having a lot of the original furniture from the 80s, it's in a very good condition. So for about a year my parents will be living the ex-yu bougie class life. My mom actually hates the apartment, because she's the one vacuuming it lmao. And frankly, the use of space isn't as good, too much space is wasted on hallways, I feel. However, now I realize why families that live in houses or big apartments aren't necessarily that "close" with each other. By that I mean, since there's so much space I can move around the apartment at night without my parents hearing or seeing me. It's actually weird, my dad would close the living room and kitchen doors and I wouldn't even be aware of his existence when I went to the toilet. No such thing in my old apartment, it's like I used to be aware of everyone's exact position at all times, but now I'm not and it felt strange. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing really.

While I was there, I went to see Mickey 17 with my mom and sister. Hmmmm. The concept of the movie is actually great, I love scifi themes involving the ethics of cloning and all that. But I'm really bummed it wasn't explored more. Once the actual plot starts moving, the main draw of the movie for me personally, gets sidelined. I read online about people complaining how there's too much exposition, but the exposition was the best part for me hahah. If the movie was more contained and focused on Mickey, I would have loved it a lot more. And it's true what they say, this movie was filmed with the expectation that Trump would lose. Which makes it extremely cringe as an unfortunate result. You just shouldn't approach creating media this way... I actually didn't mind it THAT MUCH that the villain was a weird fusion of Musk and Trump, especially because of Toni Collette playing the wife, but they could have made it more low key... The movie is very Starship Troopers of the modern era-like, so if you enjoyed that you'll enjoy this too. I didn't care much for the whole aliens plot and all of that if I'm being honest, it felt like a Doctor Who episode I watched 10 times over. I wanted more focus on the expendables!

I spent a few nights with my sister in her new apartment, and we had such a great time. I probably gained a few kilos from eating so much trash and getting high for a few days straight, but it was worth it. We ended up watching a couple of true crime documentaries as is our tradition. The ones that stood out were the Ruby Franke docu and the one about the Sarah Lawrence cult. I was aware of the Ruby Franke situation since it first broke out, I remember reading threads about it... Frankly never understood family vloggers, and mormon family vloggers doubly so. I'll never get who the audience is. The documentary was pretty well done though so I recommend it, the father is such a confusing character you'll be absolutely baffled if you watch it. The Hulu docu on the Sarah Lawrence cult has been my first encounter with the whole situation. The interesting thing about it, much like with the Ruby Franke docu but even more extreme, is that everything is recorded. The cult leader recorded every single act of abuse, and basically nothing in the documentary is acted out. It's all genuine footage. My jaw was open for like half of the documentary.

After coming back I've had a lot of bureaucracy to deal with since my ID arrived.... I'm also resuming my classes! I'm in a very small group this time around, there's only 5 of us. One of the people is this lady that calls herself an entrepreneur. Really cringe, that. Not sure why I just hate when people adorn themselves with that title, just say you have a business/small company. Even saying startup is less cringe lmfao. When asked about her business she gave a weird non answer of "making dreams come true" and it wasn't easy to listen to. Besides being an entrepreneur, she's also just a weird person overall. This language school needs you to be extremely engaged, the point is to practice SPEAKING a lot, but she has either overestimated her knowledge level or lied about it on the assessment exam because she is struggling a lot. Constantly keeps asking the teacher to "skip" her when it's her turn to read/solve something and worst of all I'm sitting close to her so we get paired for speaking exercises all the time. The moment she doesn't understand a word/sentence, she wants to skip it. Girl let's practice that's what we're here for!!! I try to help her, but she isn't having it. When we're doing writing exercises, even something as simple as a declination table, her pace is astoundingly slow. When the teacher says a page number, she doesn't understand it. I'm not sure how she got into this class, but maybe I shouldn't blame her for it. It's the teachers fault for not correcting it right away honestly, we're a small group and it's very noticeable. I'm trying to help her but her weird ego combined with a total lack of shame just ends up with her brushing me off. Strange interactions I'm having with her, and it has only been a week... I guess her behavior is very in line with someone that proclaims themselves to be an entrepreneur though. The rest of the group is alright, but sadly this time around I fear I won't be making any acquaintances/friends.

And lastly, today I finally watched Adolescence. I kept hearing about it everywhere. Older women on tiktok saying it's a great show that finally tries to approach the incel epidemic in a mens mental health way but the men hate it, /tv/ indeed hates it, some people calling it a masterpiece, some woke propaganda... and so on and so on nose sniff, shirt pull. Tl;dr, it's a 4 episode series about a 13 year old kid killing his classmate, and somehow Tate and the manosphere were involved. The amazing part about this series is that each episode was filmed in one take. It's incredibly impressive to watch and I enjoyed that a lot. The murderer kid is phenomenal too, and everyone praising his performance isn't exaggerating, he really killed it (no pun intended), especially because child actors tend to be subpar. However, I fear this whole manosphere aspect wasn't explored in a nearly enough satisfying way. I really enjoyed that the running theme of the series is ADULTS ARE TOO OUT OF TOUCH. To the point where they're constantly being met with these figures and terms but they're not doing anything about them, because they just don't care to understand and communicate with their children. I especially liked that teachers clueless comment when she heard the name Andrew Tate "Oh yea the kids mention that name sometimes...". Yea great lmao. However, despite this being the theme of the show, or maybe BECAUSE this was the theme of the show, the director almost seemed fearful of dwelling into it properly. I didn't need to see names mentioned, or memes explained, I just wish this whole pandemic got a bigger focus. The third episode that basically outlines the consequences of this is phenomenal though. The way the kid treats the psychologist with complete condescension is incredible, I just loved everything about it. That episode was amaaaazing. But I fear the series was too short for its own good. The last episode was great too, it entirely focused on the murderers family and how they're living after the fact, and it also really explores the dynamic between the father and the rest of the family. There's a lot that could be said about this episode too, but I'm getting tired by this massive diary post lmao. I enjoyed the show, but I don't think it was perfect. I wish we could have had an extra episode focusing on the schoolkids and their dynamics, but in a way I understand this show is completely focused on the adult point of view that is totally out of touch. In each episode you're left feeling like an alien, not understanding or comprehending why these children are actually so wild and loud nowadays, and you're only given small hints and explained in an incomplete way. Which now that I think about, is actually pretty cool artistically but not educationally. Which fair, I don't think media needs to serve and educational purpose at all times. If this encourages clueless parents to talk about such topics it already did enough of a good job. But still, one extra episode even from an adult pov would've been great. I know for sure this show won't do much for actual children because of the way its framed though.