August 2021

One last entry for August! Past few days I've been experiencing silly some discord drama, where a friend from a server left the server due to saying stupid shit and she wasn't let back in, as this happened too many times in the past. She was the type that constantly vented about her life and always had people feel sorry for her. I kind of stayed away from her because of that, due to past experiences I'm good at noticing that type of person. She isn't a horrible person or anything, and she definitely had a horrible life but wherever she complained she'd suck out all of the energy. Despite that, even I ended up trying to help her once or twice. I empathized with her situation a lot because I was in a similar mindset to hers when I started uni. Very depressed and anxious. But I didn't really talk about it much with anyone (which was kind of a mistake!) and thankfully, I managed to fix that problem by myself. She had help from so many of us but she declined all of it. Worst thing is, now she subtweets about us saying how we never ever offered to help and she played everyones therapist which is just not true. I think she's being self destructive on purpose but it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe she doesn't truly think that and she wants attention from us, which we really haven't been giving her. Either way, it's pointless to think about it. People that can only wallow in their misery won't flourish even besides a super supportive community until they do the first step; which is helping themselves.

Moving on to the typical, the weather. So this past week the weather has been miserable, 13-16°C all day. It's crazy to think that just 8 days ago I was swimming in the river. August took a crazy turn and whatever little hope I had for a warmer summer is now gone. It might get warm again in September but the river will be too cold because of this week. Today I worked in the morning and I'm coming in the evening as well. This really is getting a bit ridiculous. I worked here for 3 years and usually, during the end of August, whole September and October they wouldn't even call me to work. Sometimes I'd only work once or twice a week, now it's 4 days minimum, and that is if I pressure my boss to give me less days because I'm a student I can't work all the time ahhh. Now they need me twice a day? I told my boss this was a one time thing but God knows she'll be trying to take my whole arm after I gave her my finger or however that saying goes lol. I don't understand why she's not looking for an extra student to help us out but I guess I'll have to tell her. I'm just such a spergy loser irl that I have a hard time talking to people like that.

I can smell the end of summer approaching. I hope my seasonal depression doesn't follow as well. This summer was ideal for the river I swim in, it was never hot for extremely long periods of time, we had showers that broke the heatwaves into parts which cooled down the river a couple of times, enough for the algae to never become a problem so the water was never murky and smelly. All in all my area managed to avoid all of the horrors that struck europe this summer like the tornadoes, extremely damaging hail, floods etc. and it was an ideal summer. It's a shame I spent most of it either being worried out of my mind or being exhausted because of the internship and the thesis. The few days I got to rest and enjoy with my mom and sister were great though. We went on a one day trip to the seaside (which I haven't seen since 2016), we went to the pool once which was super fun, I spent a few days at my sister's place. So I guess it was not that bad! This month feels really long when I read through my entries but at the same time it feels like it passed so fast. Also this is the most entries I've written, ever. I went all out this month lol. I have a lot of thoughts brewing in my head, and even though I'm bad at writing them down it helps me unwind a bit.

I received such good news, I'm overjoyed. I found out I don't have to defend my thesis only in September, but in December or February too (along with September of next year). I feel like a weight was taken off my chest. I know this sounds dumb like, how did I not know about this? But my uni is so bad at giving out proper info, there's nothing on the site and each uni works differently. You have to send out at least 3 different emails to get a simple answer. Even the class we had with a teacher that explained "everything" about the thesis missed like half of the stuff I found out down the way. I didn't know that you could get your theme approved like 1 year earlier and do the thesis early too. That kind of pissed me off because it means good mentors were already taken during the normal deadlines. I spent the last summer doing absolutely nothing and if I could've spent at least a portion of it doing my thesis it would've been great. The first thing I did after finding out was take a nap. I came home from work and I napped for like 3 and a half hours. That never happened to me before, I usually nap for an hour and half or so. I guess I was so mentally exhausted and on the edge because recently I wasn't able to sleep well.

So I tried to tune into a thread in an anime club on that cursed site and I noticed something. There's this mantra being repeated on that site and I saw it on twitter too, "fetishizing mlm anime/manga (men loving men aka yaoi) is bad, only gay men can read yaoi" which is hilarious to me because most of the gay men into yaoi on that site are actually trans men but I digress. So as most adults that grew up in weeb spaces know, yaoi and bl is mostly made by women for women. Just how yuri is mostly made by men for men. The type of yaoi made by men is usually a specific brand of bara stuff that I don't see girls be into actually, it's always super explicit too. Anyway, neither are realistic representations of gay love, and to be honest, they don't necessarily have to be. Straight romance is rarely ever showed "right" in romance anime, especially shoujo. It's always borderline abusive, fucked up in some way or just full of irritating misunderstandings. Of course there's exceptions to the rule, but most mainstream stuff is like this. Interestingly enough, nobody ever talks about men fetishizing lesbians with yuri on these sites, it's always about women hurting gay men which like.. most gay men don't give a shit about. And nobody mentions how messed up straight romance relationships are which leads me to believe everyone is so used to it and it's so normalized nobody even thinks to complain about it? Same goes for yuri. I mean growing up, I was much more familiar with the "two hot lesbians kissing for the men" trope than the reverse. So anyway, despite all this drama surrounding it, despite them being sooooooo against bl and yaoi EVERY god damn time I tune into the anime related threads all these teens, most of them girls obviously, talk about is bl manga, manhwa and webtoons. They're all completely enveloped in this genre while I'm pretty whatever about it, but they're the ones that keep screaming how mlm shouldn't be read by women while I personally barely read it and don't give a shit about who reads it. Is... is this what they call cognitive dissonance? I always had troubles with grasping that term.

Today was so chill. I cuddled with my cat so much, she makes me so happy. Yesterday something happened that got me thinking a bit. I bumped into an old classmate from high school. She was really friendly and said hi to me, asked me how I was doing etc. despite us not talking much back in high school. I found out she had a kid 4 months ago and she got married. And then I realized how out of like 12 girls in my class there were 4 girls that were kind of... off. All 4 of them were sheltered in various ways, either mentally stuck in middle school, friendless, had extremely strict parents that didn't let them outside of the house, dressed like they were 10, had really childish interests, or a combination of those things. I mean, it's normal for an 18 year old girl to have some of these traits, I did too, but these girls just kind of took it to the next level you know? Don't get me wrong, they were kind girls but all of them seemed a bit strange. One of them did a complete 180 in 4th grade of hs and went from having a barbie pencil case to full on drug addict while having sex with random men, but the naive ignorance kind of stayed? It's hard to describe it but I think all of their common link is just growing up in a village/small town with strict catholic conservative parents. Well anyway, interestingly enough, out of all of the girls in my class - only these 4 got married and had kids. Some of them did it as soon as high school finished. And I can't help but think. I saw them as childish, immature, ignorant, kind of shy well, a bit stupid and lacking in common sense. Where did they find these men when they didn't have any friends? All dudes from their local village. It's so strange to think about. How did they mature so fast? Did they really just jump on the first guy that showed interest? Or did those men find the first sheltered girl with low standards? When high school ended, I feel like the rest of us were miles ahead those girls. The rest of us had like, a steady head on our shoulders if that makes sense. Maybe that's why none of us were in a rush to grow up. Well, it's not like marriage and kids means growing that's certain. I don't know. But it just weirds me out. Some of their husbands are a couple of years older, some look like they're nearing 40... I just keep thinking about this. If someone were to read this they'd probably think I look down on them hardcore but I'm really not, they're victims of their life circumstances and I'm sure with more freedom they would've grown up to be more confident and not afraid to be themselves. Anyway it seems to me like they kind of got taken advantage of in some way, but I feel like in my head I'm taking away their agency. But when girls grow up so sheltered, they usually end up like this. So I feel bad in a way. I hope their husbands are decent human beings and I hope they're happy at least.

Another interesting thing happened. The only coworker I liked at my job quit. This work place has the reputation of a holy grail among (mostly) women looking to be drugstore employees, but it seems it's not all that. My coworker was miserable and we talked about how much both of us want to quit. I'm happy for her to be honest. It's a mind numbing job, but at the same time it's really physically exhausting.

A lot of thoughts are going through my head, but somehow I can't translate anything into actual sentences. I'm feeling very distressed when it comes to the whole current world situation. The Afghanistan thing for example. I read so many braindead takes online and they just make me absolutely seethe. And I just think about them for the whole day. Like when people say it's racist and islamophobic to care less about muslim males and prioritize female and children refugees. Have these people ever met muslim males? The ones fleeing are probably just political enemies (notice how the ones fleeing are men without their families, which they're leaving to rot), the rest of the men are probably content with the fact that women are going to become even bigger second class citizens under sharia law. Muslim views on women are probably the wet dream of so many regular males on this world that just thinking about it makes me angry. I hate this clown world. Culture and religion shouldn't come before basic human rights, but twitter users are too deep into idpol to notice. Why am I even contemplating about what random users on twitter have to say? Who the fuck cares honestly (is what I wish I could tell myself, but currently, I care lol).

Islam isn't the only religion on my bashing radar today though. My sis and I have been watching a netflix true crime doc about an unsolved murder of a Catholic nun. Oh my god it made both of us so angry. I know it's such a stereotype, and rightfully so, but why do catholics in particular have such a pedophilia issue? Growing up as an atheist in a very catholic country my view on religion was very lacking from my child mind, I was quite distanced from the community itself, even though my family partook in your regular holiday traditions because they're fun. I didn't know how to say any prayers, I didn't go to religion class in school, I didn't take my first communion or whatever, I didn't go to church choir etc. Those were all experiences I missed out on and I felt ostracized by as a child. But oddly enough, all of those things kind of repelled me from religion instead of making me curious about it. The whole culture surrounding it weirded me out, especially confessing and praying. I was creeped out by priests and I'd always hear stories about how all of our local priests are corrupt, alcoholics etc. And I can't help but to wonder, how did a religion with such a peaceful and loving figure (jesus) end up with so many hypocritical men running it? Nuns though, I'm 50/50 about them. They're either the most calming, motherly and kind figure you'll encounter, or they're just a mean spirited lady. But they're never rapists and pedos lol... That said, being a nun without the religion part sounds actually kind of appealing. Some part of me envies nuns a bit, I think I understand why but currently I'm too tired to write about it.

Lastly, writing here so I don't forget, I wanted to make a webpage for maybe.. anime reviews I finish from this point on. I don't think I'd be reviewing anything I watched before (even my favourites lol) because I have a memory of a goldfish and I forget things really quickly when it comes to shows. I only remember vague details that made me like those shows so much. I'd always be impressed by anons on /a/ remembering names and small plot points of anime they watched 5+ years ago or something. Crazy, how do you do that!?

Today I'll be visiting my sister for 4 days. It was supposed to happen a week ago but her roommate messed it up, she did end up going to a vacation though and now I love her for that. My sis will be working in the mornings so I'll have peace and quiet to do my thesis. I even made some progress today. I need to make a survey though and I'm putting it off big time. I'm in the process of redoing my page almost entirely and I'm liking it so far. Creative juices are just flowing out of me during times like these. I have no idea which clothes to bring, it's super hot today but apparently it will be stormy tomorrow.

I saw a funny thread in that cursed forum I frequent. The title was "commit harakiri if you do this" and the content was basically OP saying how you're ableist if you put special characters in your pronoun bar because people with screen readers can't read them. Somehow the priorities of woke teens never cease to amaze me. Telling people to kill themselves is fine (they know it's a perma ban on that site) but doing something that will slightly inconvenience someones life is disgusting and ableist. Curious!

Today was a pretty good day. I was supposed to work for 7 hours but luckily my work day ended earlier as there was nothing to do. I even had enough time to go to the river and swim a bit. I love summer so much, being sweaty like a pig when biking home is a small price to pay when I'm generally a lot more energetic during summer. I have the will to live and actually do things unlike during winter. It's true what they say, winter babies like summer and vice versa. I've been working on the site a lot, I'm pretty satisfied with the about me page. Now I just need to make the bg images more responsive to smaller screens. I dislike responsive design I want to be lazy and selfish... Yesterday I had an embarrassing encounter. I had to drop things off for my moms friend before work and she lives in the same neighbourhood my ex lives in. Of course he had to be taking a walk at 4pm in the scorching hot sun right as I was passing by. I'm actually not 100% sure if it was him because he didn't say hello as I stared him off awkwardly trying to figure out if it was really him. I didn't say hi either. The last time we were in contact was when I had to cut off our friendship due to him trying to get too close to me 5 years after breaking up. He's the type of person that doesn't get hints well, or maybe he does but he chooses to ignore them and be persistent anyway. That's how I got into a relationship with him in the first place, probably one of the more darker periods in my life. I was spineless and friendless.

Another thing happened yesterday, a coworker asked me if I lost weight. Happened last week too with another coworker. I'm not sure why, I weighed myself and everything is the same. I think one of the first places I lose weight in would be my face as it's the last place I gained weight in when I reached a healthy weight. I wasn't anorexic or anything, I was just always naturally skinny but my love for food, reaching 20s and birth control probably slowed my metabolism down and got me to a healthier weight. Anyway, I guess it's because I ride the bike to work all the time now due to warm weather, and I also swim a lot? And maybe, I don't want to admit it though, but maybe it's stress too. So I just look a bit haggard lol. If there's one place I could lose weight in, it would be my arms. Dunno when fat found it's way in there, but I don't like it. Could be easily solved with some exercise, but my laziness overpowers me. I don't like doing arm stuff.

I heard from an online friend PSP batteries are starting to swell up apparently. I think I heard something like this a year or so ago but I ignored it. Went to check my PSP today and it's still fine, I even played on it a bit 2ish months ago. It's over 10 years old now I think. My x button went a bit loose which is why I stopped using it much, although I know it's easy to replace. It still works which is why I haven't bothered replacing it yet. I hope it's not super expensive now or something.